Second Chance at Love: How to Move from Ego to Intimacy

Ego Intimacy Couple

A second chance in relationship offers potential for true intimacy – especially if you’re each worn out from the battles of ego and its struggle to dominate and be right.

Ego wants to divide and separate. True intimacy is a shared depth of inner joy and spiritual contentment. It is the experience of each other and our world through this understanding.

Intimacy begins when each person takes responsibility for their own happiness. Inner wellbeing arises as a result and reliance on outer markers of pleasure, like substances or excess shopping, gradually diminishes.

As we connect with our inner depth, we naturally hope to share this experience with another.

In Eastern wisdom, the dancing Shiva statue beautifully expresses intimacy.  Shiva is masculine. But he cannot move (let alone dance!) without the creative feminine force, called Shakti. Through intimacy, they dance as one whilst the circle of fire (objectification through the senses) burns around them.

Ego Intimacy Shiva

Dancing Shiva with plumeria lei. Divine masculine Shiva cannot dance without the creative feminine force Shakti.

Masculine and feminine qualities live in each of us and intimacy is possible in various relationships:  romantic, platonic, parental, child, business.  A couple can have sex yet not experience intimacy just as friends can share intimacy without sex.

Love is experienced when separation dissolves. Always abundant, love can be as easily shared during a fleeting smile with a stranger as during a romantic weekend away.


  1. The purpose of relationships is to grow consciousness.  With this as your basis, you’re on the direct path to intimacy.  You may take a few scenic detours along the way but you will always find home with this as your understanding.
  2. Take responsibility for your happiness.  It’s empowering to support your happiness. It’s a hefty burden for anyone else.
  3. Let Familiarity Work in Your Favour.  You have history.  Now you’re drawn together again.  Be curious: Ask how can I grow my depth?  Can I be more present with myself?  With my ex?
  4. Share life-enhancing insights.  Start conversations with a big picture positive.  Share your truth from an open, expansive place.  If thoughts or words start to feel righteous and judgmental, recognise the ego at play.
  5. Own past actions.  You know the ones.  Own it, share it if so inspired – but don’t dwell.  You’ve learned.  Today is a new day.
  6. Share how you’ve grown emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  How has your relationship helped you become more aware, more empowered, more compassionate?
  7. See your Ex in the Present.  Who is s/he now?  Yes, be discerning.  But don’t hold him/her hostage in your story of the past.
  8. Listen and Be a Channel.  Be willing to hear the hard stuff.  If your former partner doesn’t phrase things perfectly, that’s okay. Sometimes it’s hard to find words.  If you feel contracted, allow the greater flow of energy.
  9. Listen with a Threshold.  Should you or your former partner move toward the flogging zone, that’s ego gone awry.  Can you clear the mental field and rephrase?  If not, take a break or save it for another time.
  10. Intimacy Free of Outcomes:  Release a goal of getting him/her back.  This is especially tough for the ego. We only have the ability to speak and act in life-enhancing ways.  Many other factors determine outcomes.  Accept this as “what is”:  You’ll grow inner freedom and enhance potential for ongoing intimacy with your self, others and our world.

Please note:  This post is not intended for abusive relationships. Please seek safety and support.


Karuna is a nondual therapist, transformational mentor and speaker who focuses on the emerging consciousness.  She sees the ego as relevant – but relative.  Book sessions and events at hubfortheheart@gmail.com


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